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As we all know, the phrase “nice guy” has a vastly different meaning in dating than it does in the real world. Real-world “nice guys” help old ladies across the street, lend neighbors their power tools, and treat friends to dinner, while dating “nice guys” are routinely dumped (“You’re a nice guy, Harold, but it’s just not working for me.”) or heard loudly defending themselves in bars (“I’m a nice guy, aren’t I? I guess she wants to date someone who treats her badly.”). Here’s how not to be so “nice” in your next relationship.

Know your terminology. “Nice” is a vague, innocuous-sounding word that covers a vast territory. A woman is unlikely to say “I’m sorry, Jason, but if I wanted to date someone who can explain the difference between arugula and radicchio I’d have lunch with my girlfriend” when she can just issue a vague “You’re a nice guy, Jason, but…” In other words, “nice” can mean all sorts of things, ranging from “wimpy” to “indecisive” to “not very exciting you-know-where.”

Examine your behavior. Once you have some inkling what part of the broad bandwidth of your behavior the word “nice” applies to, do some introspection and choose a better word. Are you too passive when it comes to making the first move? Do you agree with everything your date says, for fear of getting into an argument? Are you so careful about what you say, you never say anything interesting?

Try to change—but not what’s genuinely “nice.” Everyone has something nice about them; perhaps it’s your sense of humor, or the way you interact with kids. Leave these nice things alone. But if you sense your date is using the word “nice” to mean any of the things in Step 2, it may be time to reassess your dating style. Yes, women like nice guys, but they also like guys with personalities who are capable of occasionally asserting themselves

Don’t fool yourself. If you’ve ever emitted that “But I’m a nice guy!” complaint, it’s time to realistically assess your situation. Most women do not want to date someone who mistreats them, so if you think the choice comes down to your “nice guy” self and some troglodytic wife-beater, you have bigger problems than finding a date. In other words, take responsibility for your own actions, and don't blame the women who find you uninteresting.

Labels: Mr nice guy